My Life

Jesus You are the saviour of my soul

2009-11-04T02:19:00.002+08:00

Its about time I update my blog. I've been into heavy thinking recently. So much that it might affect my own being.

Sometime I just wonder does my dad even treat me like his son? I do appreciate him and stuff but does he even care that he has son ? I don't really feel anything he does for me or should I say does he even do anything for me? I know he does stuff for me but they are either bad memories or memories that don't last.

Sigh

Inspiration

2009-07-10T02:27:00.002+08:00

I was just inspired to blog once again by my good old primary school classmate. May sound hilarious but its true! Its brings us all the way back to primary school when I first met him in class 2-8 and I think the teacher that taught us was Mr Yeo. I've no idea where he is now but I do hope he's still alive and kickin! He's one cool old dude man. So much memories left behind in St Andrews and it starts to draw a picture as I think of the past. To people who knew the old Nicholas Chew, they wouldn't want that fella back right now. Honestly, I was a terror when I was young. People gave me names like Chucky and Little Rascal. Sounds like I had a rough past eh?

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Now playing: Nichole Nordeman - Why
via FoxyTunes

What's going on with Nicholas? Something catastrophic has happened? Shugs.

2009-05-11T02:20:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't be doing this at a time like this but I find that there's too much inside of me that has to be expressed through words if not, conversations. I have lost this feeling of urgency. I'm really trying to gain it back. My senses are numb as for currently. I have yet to find what's the cause of this feeling. My feelings are relied on my actions. How I act determines my feelings. Sometimes I'd just stare blankly at the recent gloomy sky. Watch as the rain comes and wet the whole area. Creating a mess out of everything in its way. Wonder how much damage it might cause to the people around. I can just blankly stare into it for hours not getting bored but what do I gain? I will not gain anything through this action.

I want to do so much but there are so much restrictions in growing up/life. Well its part and parcels of life, growing up. I'll just have to be patient.

I'm still wondering what's planned for me ahead and I wonder what's on God's mind that's planned out for me. Seriously I wonder and think about this. I have a long day tomorrow and I'm spending my time blogging now. Can't carry on like this. My sleeping habits have to change! Seriously an urgent change is what I crave now! So many unexpected happenings occurred these few weeks. Well, some were pleasant and some weren't. Unfortunately, I'm involved in afew of these happenings. I've got to get some rest now before my exam tomorrow.

Cheers readers although I think there aren't any. =\

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Now playing: Sarah Brightman - Winter in July
via FoxyTunes

Vulgarities. What creates the addiction? I constantly pray that God will change you back once again who you used to be.

2009-05-09T09:01:00.005+08:00

Conclusion, my sleeping habits have changed. I can't live on like this once again. I used to have insomnia. Getting it almost every week of my secondary school life. Just getting plain upset to receive it once again. I hope that it'll change soon!

I've been up to lots of thinking these 3 days. Thinking about my plans, worries and family. I have a great family to begin with. Some might not agree with me yet some do. I thank God for placing me into this family. Sometimes I do get alittle pissed @ the things my parents do but nevertheless, they're after all my parents. I have to really appreciate my aunts and uncles. They are really nice people to know. Being their nephew, I really sense the love from them. The love they portrait to their kids too. I do look up to them as good upbringing for their kids. I want to set myself a standard through their actions like spending quality time with their kids and spouse. I want to make sure that I do that even if time makes it hard.

Anything can be a problem but its what we want that problem's outcome to be lies in our hands. I currently have problems. Even the world's successful person do have problems. Problems are never far from anyone. Its how we face that issue and how we manage matters. I do want to face my problems and issues in a different matter. Facing the problems sometimes takes courage too and where do we gain this courage? I find my courage in Christ. God has never fail to see me through every problem and issue. Its just whether I want to look for Him or not.

There are so many things to yak about but I need to find time to catch up on rest too. Its about time I turn in before heading down to Ps Richard's house. I need to find that place too. Not sure how I'm gonna get there but I'm sure I'm gonna get there somehow.

Sometimes it takes time to heal wounds whereas sometimes the would are penetrated so deep its hard to know when it'll heal

I love you God and I haven't live a day without thanking You. Continue looking after Jolene, keeping her away from trouble. Continue to mould her too.

2009-05-04T02:17:00.007+08:00

Being sick doesn't feel good. Getting sick perpetually is worst. I'm getting sick on a consistent basis these days. Does the brain play a part in this sickening area? I have much so much on my mind these days and I've decided to drop all the thinking and put myself in action. No point thinking so much too. There has to be a limit to thinking. I have not set that limit yet but I will set that one day. I just hope the day comes soon.

"The primary fact that Jesus is alive is enough to give me reason to praise Him"

My mind still thinks of you every now and then. I would really love to see you right now. Wonder how have you been these few weeks.

2009-05-03T01:47:00.002+08:00

Realised that I'm blessed with family members who really care about my well being and my welfare. I can't express my love and concern for them currently and it really sucks to be in a state where I want to do something for them yet I can't. I have not thank God enough for this blessing. I really feel like running away far from where I am now but its a really selfish thinking to be thought of.

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Now playing: David Archuleta - Crush
via FoxyTunes

I have not yet found what I was looking for. I thought I did find but it kind of backfired and I must say that I did rush @ things too. I have many regrets but my uncle told me once that if you don't change now, you'll regret even more. Change the thinking and he believe I'll succeed. I have no confidence in myself no more. Its that I've been bitten over and over again. I wonder when is this ever gonna stop?

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Now playing: Damien Rice - Cannonball
via FoxyTunes

I do wonder sometimes if my aunts and uncle understands how I feel and feel what I've gone through. Having the intentions of pouring myself out once again. Wondering what I'm doing this for too. Am I gaining attentions or do I just write/type my hearts out. Feeling really caught up this time round. I haven't been myself recently. I do feel different too. Wonder if what did happen was the reason for my being this way. Sigh

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Now playing: David Cook - Declaration
via FoxyTunes

Define Simplicity. Living each day thinking about the past leads to no where. I still do think of you everyday,

2009-05-02T03:13:00.002+08:00

I realised that I've been a laughing stock and I do not really take it to heart. What really matters most currently is my relationship with God and studies. I really need to get back in track with God and for my studies, I need to focus more on it now. I have been thinking alot recently and I realised that thinking gets me no where. Its about time I should stop thinking and execute my plans. There's a thinking process I should place before actions too but thinking moderately is what I have in mind. Its just that I have no control of thinking moderate. I have to get right with stuff nowadays. I've just been upset over alot of issues that happened. Not knowing where else to run to, I've decided to occupy myself with things to do. I'm really lost right now and have no motivation to continue this post. Just shoot me.

Was thinking again and couldn't find an answer. Do I invite trouble myself of do trouble come find me due to my invitations? Not knowingly, I do invite troubles. Why do things screw up when ever I encounter them. I thought that things were going fine. It really sucks to be me in this situation. I wonder when will I ever learn not to fall into temptations.

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Now playing: Paramore - Misery Business
via FoxyTunes

I still wanna love you like I did before.

2009-04-19T05:40:00.002+08:00

Throughout this week, my mind was running pretty wild. I had thoughts that weren't considered right nor wrong. I haven't face-ed anything like that before. If there was choice to picture this other wise, I would so love to face this scenario in a different way. I would want things to end of differently and have a different starting manner too.

I have so much to elaborate but have no motivation to carry on continuing this post. I wonder what's gonna happen throughout this year. I'm so curious on the situation that's happening currently. I really hate to see this going on and I can't seem to find the start of all the happenings. The way it ended seems so drastically. It affected me in the biggest possible manner.

Shouldn't continue this post anymore. I have no motivation nor any inspiration to do so too.

Hurts to see this go on everyday

2009-04-17T06:09:00.001+08:00

Been spending my time unwisely these few days. I haven't been sleeping in days and only had rest on Thursday morning. Its about time I prepare to get to school. Sigh

I've been thinking of you very minute I'm alive

2009-04-15T03:47:00.001+08:00

I have always love-ed you and this isn't how I want it to become. I really hope that think would change in time to come. I pray that God will let a change in this situation that is happening.

God I want to start me daily devotion with you once again.. Its about time I want to get serious with my devotion.. I've been delaying this for a really long time and I cannot live without You.. Its an unbearable pain without You and I felt that you drifted further and further each day I stop communicating to you.. I thank You for my uncle who did encourage me to talk to You and commit myself to you each day I'm alive.. I do feel that my life is already been wasted and I have nothing else but you.. I messed up the past few months and I thought I had a genuine relationship with you but I've been feeding up the wrong area in my life.. I need to get back on track with you.. I really want to have a better relationship with you each time I talk to you.. I do want to get back back with you and I've decided to start somewhere.. Lord please hear my prayers and show me a revelation.. Show me how my relations with You will be in time to come.. Go, this is what I want to receive from you currently.. I've got so much more to ask from you and its time to rest but I've got a restless mind that's constantly running.. LORD please calm my mind from running wildly and uncontrollably.. This has been going on for 3 weeks and counting.. I'm getting really exhausted sometimes my mind wants to give up.. I'm very very tired this is my 2nd request to you.. I'm shaking as I finish my 2nd request.. Why is all these happening?? Its really upsetting to see so many issues happening.. Its so much to contain and its hard to accept all @ once. HARD !! Its really hard.. It is painful too.. Very PAINFUL =( I've never been so upset in my 18 come 19 years life.. I'm afraid that someday, I'll just break down and there isn't any of me left.. I feel that my mind is eating itself up as each second goes by.. I never thought that this would happen to me but am I going crazy? Is my mind going to a point that it'll lose its relevant thoughts and it just thinks of irrelevant stuff?? I pray that this woun't be a part of my life.. I really don't want it to happen but if You want it to happen, I have no choice to live with it..

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Now playing: Mika - Happy Ending
via FoxyTunes

Missing her every minute of my days left on earth

2009-04-14T00:41:00.002+08:00

Tired but no will to pull myself to bed . Been dozing off in-front of my comp for awhile now and I just continue this thinking process . I want to spend more time with God . I really want to get back and get right with Him once again yet that there are parts of my life I have to give in/up . Not sure what to do currently now . Once again , I'm lost . Not knowing what my next steps are and just following blindly . Sooner or later , I'll be in National service not knowing I'd already enter in and serving in it . Predicting blood shed during this tormenting process I'm facing . Sheesh I'm in a mess now . Still finding solutions and a way out of this . I never wanted to face something like this where its being tied between a choice I have to choose . I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break . Breaking down is one thing but breaking in is some issue that I have no idea what it is . Life's tough and what's making it worst is me . I was the one who choose to enter this path and I'm looking for a solution now . I'm depriving myself of sleep once again and I decide to end it here .

Send me to a place where I can fly high and roam free

I wanna start a fight

2009-04-13T09:21:00.002+08:00

Arrived back in Singapore yesterday around 2pm . My mind was thinking constantly and haven't had time to really rest . Throughout the flight, I was wide awake for 14hours++ . Its torturous and what keeps me wide really got me thinking about what I was thinking . The in-flight movies kept me occupied for awhile but I really want to wait for the right time to watch them . I didn't really enjoy these 3 weeks emotionally & mentally maybe alittle physically but with so much on my mind , I really hate to live life like this . Suffering like there isn't any other way out of this mess . Been messing up myself in ways I don't realised .

17th Day in London without her

2009-04-08T02:36:00.002+08:00

Today happens to be the 17th day I've been away from Singapore. I've never been so upset in my life and the worst area is that I'm in a foreign country. Its stupid for me to think of ways to end this misery I'm facing and there are tremendous stress I've been facing. There are (TBC)

Past, Present & God's plan

2009-04-06T01:57:00.002+08:00

These 2 weeks have been tough for me as I'm not used to cold climate here and although its not hell , I couldn't take it's coldness . Sheesh, I'm tired after the 2nd line . Realised I've not taken my Breakfast nor lunch for today . I have to look for food before I collapse .

My Stomach

2009-04-04T04:08:00.001+08:00

Hungry but no appetite =| Suck eh ? Having gastric problems this 2 days . Haven't been eating well too =X Foods here are not that expensive but some of them are really expensive =|

Dinner

2009-04-02T22:19:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, before dinner, We went laptop shopping in Oxford Circus for my aunt and uncle. I was so tempted to buy a laptop for someone as the comps here are much cheaper and some you couldn't find it in SG. The reason why they asked me along cause I have a background of computer knowledge. I did help them to select the laptop and they bought 4 sets. Paid less than $4000 SGD for 4 computers which is equalivent to $800-$900 + per set. Pretty cheap and I was really tempted to get one for someone who needs a computer.

Last night's dinner was great but when it came to the bill, it reached almost £300 pounds . I was amazed how much we ate and I regretted ordering so much . My auntie foot the bill for 10 of us and I felt guilty that she has to pay £300 for our dinner . We did surely enjoy the food but after dinner, I felt that there's a need for me to stop eating so much when I'm upset . I eat alot when I'm upset and its way more than how I eat normally . I feel so clogged up not with food inside of me but with the emotions that I can't release . I have felt like this since the day I arrived in London . Suffering and given a cold turkey treatment . I feel like exploding and breaking down these 2 weeks I'm here . People usually get excited when they're in a new country for the first time but my feelings for entering London doesn't seem to excite me a single bit @ all . Infact I'm upset that I left SG @ such a short notice =\

GOD can you please help me ?? =( I'm really really upset. I can't show how upset I am externally but I'm crying inside of me for a change ! Its really painful, Lord help me please ?

Mind Overload

2009-04-02T20:02:00.005+08:00

The first thing that came into my mind when I woke up is have I forgotten all the thoughts I had the previous day but it triggered off and everything came back which made me feel really emotionless now. Feelings are hard to retain and control. I have done many regretful things in the past and till now, it still haunts me. I really screwed up myself now and why do I face more and more problems. I feel emptier and emptier every time these thoughts come by. I feel that my mind is getting heavier and heavier as well. Can someone please answer me why do I face all these shits ?

I want all these unending thinkings to stop and I just don't find a reason for these thinkings to carry on. I'll just create more and more problems for me. I have no goals nor plans for the time being and I have no idea what I want to do with myself too. I might as well just lay here and rot to the day I die. I find no purpose of living any longer. People might think I'm selfish or self-centered but I really cannot find a fitting in any of the things I do. I don't benefit anyone when I'm here not benefit and purpose. I'm just repeating myself which I don't want to be doing.

I'm an unhappy, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, under tremendous pressure, regretted my old doings person. Sometimes I wonder why was I place here for ? To be a glutton for punishment ? I just find no more will to carry on myself. I have no goals nor future. I'm really unhappy with things that happening. Why is there a financial crisis @ the moment and when the President of United States of America comes down to have a talk, why are there riots and strikes ! Some things are meant to be left unknown but why do these happen ? I don't understand the complications of a human mind. Why are these minds so different ? Do they find joy and happiness in doing these ? I myself don't know what joy and happiness means anymore. I can't find joy nor happiness in things I do now. I'm still wanting to serve God and I do want to seek joy and happiness serving Him but the truth is I can't seem to attain it.

I'm an empty person in a foreign country. I find no reason to go back to Singapore but I have left behind so much that becomes a reason for me to go back. 2ndly, I have to be back to serve in the national service if not, I'll get myself and my family into trouble with the government in Singapore. I have no passion to do more stuff. No will to carry on myself. No compassion for those around me. No feelings for myself nor anything & No life.

2009-04-02T01:28:00.001+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=73758003536&h=vZ_Q1&u=Q8Y4y

2009-04-02T01:26:00.001+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=65437034157&h=jdvW6&u=z6ntQ

Happy Birthday Stanley

2009-04-02T00:18:00.003+08:00

Happy 31st Birthday Stanley. Sorry I can't spend time with you on your b'day. I hope to be able to get you something for your b'day. I have thought of the item to get you already but I can't find time to get it. I really hope there'll be time to get it for you bro.

Throughout this week, I've been occupied with so much thoughts that I can't find the will to continue myself anymore. I've been through so many issues that I can't control my own emotions. Sometimes I wonder why did I get myself into this mess and it has always been my fault.

London is basically going on strike and riots are happening all around the country. I'm locking myself in my hotel room now keeping myself safe from all the riotings and strikes. The RBS bank in London has their windows smashed by them and there are riot police all around London now. Apparantly, one reason its like this is because Obama is holding the G20 summit in London excel centre. 2ndly, on thursday, my uncle is holding a conference there too! I hope I'm able to see Obama in person. See if I'm able to snap a photo of him. Not only him, but 19 other ministers from all over the world gathered to resolve this financial crisis that we're facing now.

I hope that things would be resolve and be back to normal. I just hope that it'll be back to normal when I'm back in Singapore.

Once again.. Happy 31st Birthday Stanley

G20

2009-03-28T20:09:00.003+08:00

ps: I love you. I really do

Its been 6 days since since I've left Singapore. I'm beginning to miss so many people back in Singapore.

I love my dad for bringing my camera to London for me and these are the few shots I took upon receiving my camera. Thanks Dad.
Currently London is a wet and dampy country. Its freezing as well. As I was walking with my dad back to the apartment, it rained and there was hail stones too! Hail stones are rain drops that freezes before hitting the ground so its quite dangerous to walk in the hail stones cause they are basically ice bits falling from the sky.

I've been thinking extraordinary these past 6 days. I have left someone whom I want to be with back in Singapore and yet things have been really bad. I just can't imaging that things would turn out this way. Spoke to my uncle and he's one encouraging guy. I thank God for blessing me with him! I really appreciate God for placing him in my life too! It was his encouragement and my family that made me change for the better. I really love him alot. His care and concern for people is far greater than any other relatives. Not being bias but I find that he has alot more knowledge to advice people around him. Amazing guy and I hope that he'll continue to do what he's doing to impact more people around. He a millionaire too but he doesn't take credit for his wealth and fortune. I'm amazed by his character! This guy is a man of God. His principles are backed-up with Godly principles.

I believe that this is causing me to worry so much on current situation. What is success and faithfulness? Which is more important. This was the question my uncle asked. I replied him to achieve success for my state, is to have faithfulness being successful. This was what he replied, to have success is to fulfill goals that have been planned out and faithfulness is to keep in view of your goals and not to keep changing goals. There was this guy that has this goal. In his life, the only goal that he wants to achieve is to be an astronaut. After afew years, he achieved his goal and was sent to space. And afew years later, he was back and he became mad. The reason why he became mad was because there wasn't anymore goals for him. He basically had only one goal in life and after fulfilling it, he has no more will to live. It sucks eh?

I'll find more time to blog once again and These are the only 2 photos I'll share now. I'll find more time to post photos again.

Cheers readerS!

I just hope things would change for the better. I really hope so!

Chew my heart up

2009-03-26T17:00:00.000+08:00

This is the 4th day in London and things have been really messed up. People I've left behind haven't been all well and I'm really concern about them. I myself am thinking of getting a new flight back to Singapore as soon as possible.

I was so deep in thoughts that I lost my way back to my apartment and ended up walking in the cold summer nights with temperature as low as 2 degrees. Freezing myself off while walking back to where I don't know! I ended up taking the 2nd most expensive taxi ride. Its roughly around $50SGD and that wasn't the most expensive cab ride I've took. The most expensive one was in Paris where the fare was $200SGD. Believe it or not. It was the most I've spent on one taxi ride but I must say that it was a comfortable ride. I got lost twice yesterday due to deep thinking and ended up somewhere which I don't know where I was. The worst part was that my battery died on me again but thank God that this time I had an extra phone but I didn't really used it.

Managed to get back to my apartment before 12am and I just blacked out once I hit my bed. Woke up early this morning and started to think once again. My mind never stops thinking about those who means alot to me . I just hope to be back soon to help those who are suffering and I really want to help them.

These are the current issues on my mind and cheers readers.. Sigh =\

Nicholas Chew

2009-03-23T20:11:00.003+08:00

My days in London aren't making me excited about it at all. Firstly I never like to leave my close ones back home in SG. My whole family is back in SG while I'm alone here with my uncle. Don't be mistaken, I love my uncle very much. Its just that 2 of us in a foreign country alone.

Something I like about this country is that my movie DL speed rules all others!! A 799MB movie takes around 10mins(fastest record) to 30mins(slowest record).

Plans to visit the Buckingham palace and Hillsong London. Can't wait for those to happen. Shoppings here are awesome as well. For 5 pound, I can get a top from brands like esprit, Topman and Dorothy Perkins. I just can't imaging the sales they have here. How low can they pull down to. A suit from H&M cost mearly 60 pounds. That's a great buy! Just have to watch what I'm spending on. I've already spend 100 pounds for travel around London from the airport to the apartment where I met my uncle and I'm staying there currently.

After arriving in London, I made my first phone call to my dad informing that I've touched down safely and there's nothing to worry about for me. In fact that I got sort of lost @ the train station. To be honest, the station is HUGE and its not like any Dolby Ghaut station. Its almost 3 to 4 times bigger than that!! Amazingly I had my phone battery died on me and the last phone call I made was to my uncle. His words to me was to take a cab to where he was and I followed his instructions to hire a cab. My first cab fare was 5 pounds and my uncle said it was relatively cheap! I thought that I did something right for once but when Nicky told me about how near the station was to the apartment, I realised that I've been scammed! Getting lost on the first day upon arrival. Haha what an experience.

No photos for now but I'll update soon. I have really good Internet connection here. Cheers readers (:

Get well soon alright? It hurt to see you suffering from all these that are happening.. I hope you'll seek God for strength =)

2009-03-18T03:04:00.002+08:00

Haven't slept in 25 hours and counting.. I find that sleeping becomes a chore but I need to rest. Why does this happen again. I never wanted this to happen but somehow, it just comes back. I'm seriously a glutton for punishment. A magnet for problems as well. Somehow problems find its way to me and I have to face them myself. I need to end all these. Balance out my life properly. Dropping all these and running away from all these doesn't stop there. I have to find a solution to end this issue. My life wasted by thinking so much. How I hope I'll never come to this extend to lose the friendship between us.d

School today was pretty amazing. I am still wondering how I managed to stay awake for my lectures! I guess my teacher made the lesson interesting. I feel that my system might be breaking down soon. I guess it'll end all misery but I'm afraid that it would affect my family. I don't know who else it'll affect but I guess that it doesn't matter much either.

I wanna get a new Nicholas. Maybe after NS, I'll probably migrate away from Singapore. I may sound selfish but I see it as an opportunity to not invite problems back to myself. I wanna runaway! Far far away.. I need to breakaway too.. What you may see in my physical self isn't my emotional self. I may look fine but inside of me is all broken up. To an extend that I don't know who I am anymore. All I know is that I love my God & Family. I don't even know who I am anymore. Losing my identity. Who in the world is Nicholas Chew. Who gives a damn who I am. Who I am doesn't matter to anyone. I'm just a freaking human who's lost his identity. I wanna find back my identity in Christ. I just find it useless to live on like that. Even thou I proclaim my Lord's name and I accept Him as my Lord, my God & my savior. I find myself being the worst or the worst. Jesus please take me to where all these wouldn't matter!!!!

I'm facing the edge of the cliff and I don't know what's my next step gonna be..

Unfair

2009-03-17T04:34:00.001+08:00

I've never liked my life. I find that problems are always beside me. I find that my life is seriously unfair. I don't understand why does it always have to be like this. It will always happen to me. No matter what I do nor what I don't do. Sighs