Been spending my time unwisely these few days. I haven't been sleeping in days and only had rest on Thursday morning. Its about time I prepare to get to school. Sigh
♥ 06:09
Arrived back in Singapore yesterday around 2pm . My mind was thinking constantly and haven't had time to really rest . Throughout the flight, I was wide awake for 14hours++ . Its torturous and what keeps me wide really got me thinking about what I was thinking . The in-flight movies kept me occupied for awhile but I really want to wait for the right time to watch them . I didn't really enjoy these 3 weeks emotionally & mentally maybe alittle physically but with so much on my mind , I really hate to live life like this . Suffering like there isn't any other way out of this mess . Been messing up myself in ways I don't realised .
♥ 09:21
Today happens to be the 17th day I've been away from Singapore. I've never been so upset in my life and the worst area is that I'm in a foreign country. Its stupid for me to think of ways to end this misery I'm facing and there are tremendous stress I've been facing. There are (TBC)
♥ 02:36
These 2 weeks have been tough for me as I'm not used to cold climate here and although its not hell , I couldn't take it's coldness . Sheesh, I'm tired after the 2nd line . Realised I've not taken my Breakfast nor lunch for today . I have to look for food before I collapse .
♥ 01:57
Hungry but no appetite =| Suck eh ? Having gastric problems this 2 days . Haven't been eating well too =X Foods here are not that expensive but some of them are really expensive =|
♥ 04:08
Yesterday, before dinner, We went laptop shopping in Oxford Circus for my aunt and uncle. I was so tempted to buy a laptop for someone as the comps here are much cheaper and some you couldn't find it in SG. The reason why they asked me along cause I have a background of computer knowledge. I did help them to select the laptop and they bought 4 sets. Paid less than $4000 SGD for 4 computers which is equalivent to $800-$900 + per set. Pretty cheap and I was really tempted to get one for someone who needs a computer.
Last night's dinner was great but when it came to the bill, it reached almost £300 pounds . I was amazed how much we ate and I regretted ordering so much . My auntie foot the bill for 10 of us and I felt guilty that she has to pay £300 for our dinner . We did surely enjoy the food but after dinner, I felt that there's a need for me to stop eating so much when I'm upset . I eat alot when I'm upset and its way more than how I eat normally . I feel so clogged up not with food inside of me but with the emotions that I can't release . I have felt like this since the day I arrived in London . Suffering and given a cold turkey treatment . I feel like exploding and breaking down these 2 weeks I'm here . People usually get excited when they're in a new country for the first time but my feelings for entering London doesn't seem to excite me a single bit @ all . Infact I'm upset that I left SG @ such a short notice =\
GOD can you please help me ?? =( I'm really really upset. I can't show how upset I am externally but I'm crying inside of me for a change ! Its really painful, Lord help me please ?
♥ 22:19
The first thing that came into my mind when I woke up is have I forgotten all the thoughts I had the previous day but it triggered off and everything came back which made me feel really emotionless now. Feelings are hard to retain and control. I have done many regretful things in the past and till now, it still haunts me. I really screwed up myself now and why do I face more and more problems. I feel emptier and emptier every time these thoughts come by. I feel that my mind is getting heavier and heavier as well. Can someone please answer me why do I face all these shits ?
I want all these unending thinkings to stop and I just don't find a reason for these thinkings to carry on. I'll just create more and more problems for me. I have no goals nor plans for the time being and I have no idea what I want to do with myself too. I might as well just lay here and rot to the day I die. I find no purpose of living any longer. People might think I'm selfish or self-centered but I really cannot find a fitting in any of the things I do. I don't benefit anyone when I'm here not benefit and purpose. I'm just repeating myself which I don't want to be doing.
I'm an unhappy, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, under tremendous pressure, regretted my old doings person. Sometimes I wonder why was I place here for ? To be a glutton for punishment ? I just find no more will to carry on myself. I have no goals nor future. I'm really unhappy with things that happening. Why is there a financial crisis @ the moment and when the President of United States of America comes down to have a talk, why are there riots and strikes ! Some things are meant to be left unknown but why do these happen ? I don't understand the complications of a human mind. Why are these minds so different ? Do they find joy and happiness in doing these ? I myself don't know what joy and happiness means anymore. I can't find joy nor happiness in things I do now. I'm still wanting to serve God and I do want to seek joy and happiness serving Him but the truth is I can't seem to attain it.
I'm an empty person in a foreign country. I find no reason to go back to Singapore but I have left behind so much that becomes a reason for me to go back. 2ndly, I have to be back to serve in the national service if not, I'll get myself and my family into trouble with the government in Singapore. I have no passion to do more stuff. No will to carry on myself. No compassion for those around me. No feelings for myself nor anything & No life.
♥ 20:02
Happy 31st Birthday Stanley. Sorry I can't spend time with you on your b'day. I hope to be able to get you something for your b'day. I have thought of the item to get you already but I can't find time to get it. I really hope there'll be time to get it for you bro.
Throughout this week, I've been occupied with so much thoughts that I can't find the will to continue myself anymore. I've been through so many issues that I can't control my own emotions. Sometimes I wonder why did I get myself into this mess and it has always been my fault.
London is basically going on strike and riots are happening all around the country. I'm locking myself in my hotel room now keeping myself safe from all the riotings and strikes. The RBS bank in London has their windows smashed by them and there are riot police all around London now. Apparantly, one reason its like this is because Obama is holding the G20 summit in London excel centre. 2ndly, on thursday, my uncle is holding a conference there too! I hope I'm able to see Obama in person. See if I'm able to snap a photo of him. Not only him, but 19 other ministers from all over the world gathered to resolve this financial crisis that we're facing now.
I hope that things would be resolve and be back to normal. I just hope that it'll be back to normal when I'm back in Singapore.
Once again.. Happy 31st Birthday Stanley
♥ 00:18