The first thing that came into my mind when I woke up is have I forgotten all the thoughts I had the previous day but it triggered off and everything came back which made me feel really emotionless now. Feelings are hard to retain and control. I have done many regretful things in the past and till now, it still haunts me. I really screwed up myself now and why do I face more and more problems. I feel emptier and emptier every time these thoughts come by. I feel that my mind is getting heavier and heavier as well. Can someone please answer me why do I face all these shits ?
I want all these unending thinkings to stop and I just don't find a reason for these thinkings to carry on. I'll just create more and more problems for me. I have no goals nor plans for the time being and I have no idea what I want to do with myself too. I might as well just lay here and rot to the day I die. I find no purpose of living any longer. People might think I'm selfish or self-centered but I really cannot find a fitting in any of the things I do. I don't benefit anyone when I'm here not benefit and purpose. I'm just repeating myself which I don't want to be doing.
I'm an unhappy, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, under tremendous pressure, regretted my old doings person. Sometimes I wonder why was I place here for ? To be a glutton for punishment ? I just find no more will to carry on myself. I have no goals nor future. I'm really unhappy with things that happening. Why is there a financial crisis @ the moment and when the President of United States of America comes down to have a talk, why are there riots and strikes ! Some things are meant to be left unknown but why do these happen ? I don't understand the complications of a human mind. Why are these minds so different ? Do they find joy and happiness in doing these ? I myself don't know what joy and happiness means anymore. I can't find joy nor happiness in things I do now. I'm still wanting to serve God and I do want to seek joy and happiness serving Him but the truth is I can't seem to attain it.
I'm an empty person in a foreign country. I find no reason to go back to Singapore but I have left behind so much that becomes a reason for me to go back. 2ndly, I have to be back to serve in the national service if not, I'll get myself and my family into trouble with the government in Singapore. I have no passion to do more stuff. No will to carry on myself. No compassion for those around me. No feelings for myself nor anything & No life.
♥ 20:02